my past

weheartit

I am a shallow person and I seek my family’s approval too much. I have to be honest with myself. I may have kept myself from love from the past 9 and a half years.
Through all the years I still think of him often. Sometimes I long for him. This is for you x

You were my first love, before I knew what a mature relationship was. The sweet innocence of a childhood romance… we played outside and did fireworks. I fell in love with you at the age of 12. Some may say that’s too young, but I knew it was real love. It felt just as real as the love I have felt at the age of 21. I knew you in your awkward pre-teen phase. You knew me before I cared about fashion. When I wore skater shoes, because I thought I had to dress like the music I listened to. We spent every Christmas together. Then two years later you decided you wanted me romantically. You were persistent. You protected me from the crowd at a concert. You said that’s when you knew. I resisted because I didn’t want to be hurt. We had already tried so many times before. You held my hand and begged me to hold yours. You told me I was different. I wouldn’t give in. My Dad didn’t think you were good enough. You told me you missed talking to me so much. That you were there for me and always would be. Three and a half years out of high school I have had many, many suitors since you. I have had a serious boyfriend since you. My first “adult” relationship. Well he is long gone now. I’ve moved away from our hometown. At friend’s weddings I see you. You flirt and walk me to my car. Your best friend stopped through my college town tonight. He told me some of your secrets. They are currently keeping me from sleep. He said that you considered me the girl that got away. You never thought you could really have me. Your friend thinks we should have gotten married. When you say we should see each other, I know you mean it, but it’s been a year and half since we were alone together. Are you just a sweet relic of my past?

be with me

tumblr + unknown

three words

unknown

I just love you.

Words demand explanation. They require analysis. They are the construction and expression of my thoughts. Of my heart. But they can't describe it. They can't describe any of it. They can't tell you how deep the memories are, or how often I think of them. They can't scream what I really want to say. They are the mask of how I really feel and they try to disguise the pain, but someone will strip it away. And someone will make those words worthless.

So what is a word worth? Nothing. What are three words worth? Nothing. But we say them anyway, because you know. You know, more than anyone what they mean. You know when I say I love you, I really mean that those three words can't describe what it is we have. When I say you're amazing, I know the word is just a cover; a quick way for me to remember all the things that amaze me about you, a mask for the memories we share, a disguised version of our adventures together. And I really believe that you know, when I say I miss you, it's not just that. I miss you every moment, and I miss just what your name means to me. It means an alphabet of sounds and letters and words. But none of them really mean anything, because words are based on trust, they rely on how truly and deeply we feel. Remember, always, that they don't mean anything, they are letters and they are constructions, but we deconstruct them every day and we twist them; we manipulate them so that they say what we want them to. But no word, no shape, no photograph could ever twist so far that it could begin to explain even a little bit of how I feel.

- L

don't tell me...

i still have no idea

unknown

you wore denim pants with holes in them and played in a band. i spent night after night looking at you through the crowd feeling worse and worse because you never noticed me. you were high and low in the room, mingling, laughing, smoking, flirting, and i was always on the side trying my best to catch every glimpse i could of you without you noticing

often i would sit outside for a while when the nervousness got to me, and one night you came out and sat down, you asked if i was ok, and it made me so nervous i couldn't even answer, i just started walking away from you, but you followed me asking again and again and finally i blurted out that i couldn't even talk to you right now because you are too much. too much smiles and looks and lips

you touched my hair and then my shoulder, and we started walking towards the beach, i didn't say much but you kept telling me about your family, about music you liked and your night so far, and i could hardly hear anything you said because i was too afraid of making a fool out of myself

and all i could really hear was the sound of your feet against the asphalt, the rocks and then the sand beneath us. we sat on the grass and none of us said a word, you touched my face. i was trembling. i wanted to kiss you so badly, but didn't dare. you told me i was pretty, that i made you nervous. i didn't believe a word you said. the energy in and around us was almost surreal. it knocked me over

i said i wanted to swim and you looked a little scared and that calmed me down a bit. you followed and soon we were in with water to our waists and you were so cold i could see your goosebumps, but you smiled anyway and we just stood there, and stared at each other for what felt like a century

and that was it

i still have no idea what that meant

-exoplanetarium

this fear

ffffound

maybe one day

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When he texts me saying he really wants to see me, I light up inside. But moments are always fleeting. I just imagine him saying it to me because who he really wants to see doesn’t want to see him. She put him on the backburner and doesn’t need him right now. He needs me right now, because he can’t have her. I am a distraction. I make him feel warm inside, I soothe his pain, and when he’s around me he isn’t haunted and consumed by thoughts of her. I can briefly take away his pain, but moments are always fleeting. He can hurt me. Once he’s over her, he won’t need me. I’m dispensable and he’s broken. And this is the way our unfair world works.

He needs me.

I want him.

Everyone wants to be needed.

Everything he tells me: every thought, every dream, every feeling has already been told. The things he told her, she must have known everything about him. He knew her like the back of his hand. He loved her. He loves her. He needs me. Temporarily. I think of him, and can only think of her. I’m not her. Does he want me to be? Am I like her? Does he wish I were like her? Will he ever stop loving her?

I don’t know if I want him if I can’t have all of him. I know that’s a lie, of course I want him. I just don’t want to want him. When he looks away and is distant, is he thinking of her? I can’t see us together. Thinking of him, hearing his name, brings butterflies to my stomach, but it’s not right. I can’t see us together. It’s as if the world was supposed to have him and her together. Like it was right. It is right. It’s just not the right time.

We connect though. We have chemistry we’re comfortable in each other. We have become all too comfortably numb.

What happens when she wants him back?

But I already know the answer to that.

Maybe one day he’ll love me. Maybe one day he won’t want her; won’t want me to be her. Maybe one day he’ll think I’m truly beautiful and look at me the way I look at him every time I see him. But then again, maybe one day I’ll get over him. Maybe one day I can look at him and say, “You’re so not worth this” and actually believe it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about someone else.

i only have eyes for you

unknown

as i walk away

celinaaa.blogg.no

Listen,

I tried so desperately to let go of you. To kick you out of my heart, my mind, my dreams. I tried my hardest for you. I tried my hardest for me. And I succeeded...for awhile. I ignored the tug at my heart every time I saw you hug her instead of me. I ignored the jealousy that would start to flair up when you laughed with some other girl,or when you tickled her. I was so used to being the one you would always have your hands on, so used to it being between us... absentmindedly touching each others arms, playing with bracelets, rubbing your back, you tickling me tortuously. And you not... was weird and different and new. I didn't like it. So I became numb to it, I didn't let it affect me at least not to where anyone can see and eventually it became habit. I fully convinced myself I was over you, I didn't need you like that, I stopped wanting you that way. So I allowed myself to flirt with you more because it was just so much easier that way, I let some of my caution go and you put up a wall. Suddenly I wasn't allowed to see the beautiful complex garden that was your heart, I lost the key and it killed me. I asked why you resented me being near you you said you didn't I was just to close you didn't want her hearing anything, I told you over and over again it didn't mean anything and I meant it.

But that was then, now I'm not so sure. Because now I'm having these weird aches for you to tickle me again or play with my back or not let you go when you hug me (which is so rare in comparison to how many times you used to hug me) its not like you aren't still a huge part of my life, I mean you are and will be for a long time my best friend. But I think there will always be a part of me that will love you that way, that will subconsciously long for an us, that will be jealous when you have a girlfriend, that will want you to hold me close and kiss me. And I know that to keep our friendship I'm going to have to give that up, or at least bury it down in the deepest darkest corners of my heart.

Ours is a good story, the kind that they make movies about. The love, anger, tears, attraction, long late night conversations, the pain, the friendship; and the best part is we didn't even date. We went to school together since 6th grade but never really talked, friendship circles and stuff like that. But I had a massive crush on you. Last year though by some really really perfect act of God we became the best of friends. And we fell for each other, I especially fell hard and fast. You were so perfectly imperfect, but you had a bad relationship fall apart even worse the year before so we talked about dating but never really tried it out. You were so cautious with your heart, I look back on it now and marvel at some of the things you allowed me to see making me ever more grateful of the chance and the trust to see them. I was reckless with my own, I pushed for it, over and over again and each time falling painfully. You broke my falls sometimes, soothing me, talking sense into me, explaining the reasons I already knew, reassuring me. Loving on me. And I tried so hard to give you as much as my emotional self as I could but you would never let me, you would always gently reject it, making taking it back so much harder. I wonder now if you were trying to protect me from pain you had already experienced. A pain that I was willing to go through if only you would be mine. There are things you told me that would elate me, and, to this day are still etched almost perfectly into my memory. And what a memory i have, you are my favorite sweetest most painful memory to this day. Eventually all that struggling wore us both out, things happened and we both needed a chance to breathe, to untangle from this complex life. So we awkwardly continued a friendship as the summer lazily drifted by, not surprisingly that didn't last long. The first time i saw you over the summer i got hit with that feeling so hard that it damn near knocked me breathless, watching you, so happy, so glowingly lovely made me fall yet again. And I think you reconsidered too. So one day totally jokingly i said we should go out and you told me how much that had scared you, we both laughed about it and i filed it away mentally. You always loved to play tricks on me and would scare me so bad i was close to tears, and one day after a particularly frightful one i decided to get revenge. "Seriously babe, lets go out." were the words on a very fateful text, you didn't believe me for a long time, and the more i fake convinced you. the more i honestly convinced myself. How quickly I realized i was quite serious about it. The timing was so terrible i was leaving for Florida that week, we danced around the idea, the solid idea of us. something that had always been avoided before. Sometime during this period of indecision we went to the movies, it was a great night, you put your arm around me, we held hands and i felt so wonderfully safe in your arms, it just felt right. Eventually we made up our minds, well mostly you, but your logic was so painfully true, you were right we would've been to serious. But sometimes i wonder about the better as friends, because until very very recently that wasn't working out too well either.

As of today i cant and therefore wont like you. I'm promising this to us both. Neither of us can afford the emotional turmoil it puts us through nor do we want it. As i walk away though just know this. You will always be my first love. Darling, whatever happens in the future, whether a repeat of that painfully beautiful past or something as equally beautiful and new, you will be forever engraved in my heart. It was yours first. Our story may have happened to others, but sweetheart, believe me it was one of a kind. Hand painted by two people who were scared, and nervous, and utterly not ready for the roller coaster it was.

-A

i want you

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you are mine

xanga

I met you. It was a strange sort of way too. I had been working at a supermarket for the summer and it closed down, but the employees were moved to a new store just across the road. For me, it wasn't a life long kind of job, just a typical summer gig, so i almost half considered not even taking up the offer. But i did. It's situations like these that make you recognize fate's existence. I noticed you before any other boy. You were one of the first ones to reach out to me as the new girl. You had the funniest personality i had ever encountered and i looked forward to working those late night midnight shifts with you that we hardly ever got together, but i loved them as long as you kept me company. Your smile was perfect and you had the prettiest green eyes i had ever seen. You were perfect. And while we grew close as friends, you had such a huge wall built up it was near impossible to break it down. And after hearing from so many people that were close to you that you weren't exactly the "relationship kind of guy", i gave up.

I hurt you. I kept you strapped in and stuck on my emotional roller coaster from heartbreak hell. And i hated myself for it. It turned out that you liked me, but you were too late. I had already started something with my ex, so we stayed friends. When my ex and I fell apart, you listened to me cry for hours on the phone and all the horrible stories of my pathetic attempts at trying to understand what went wrong with my past relationship. You were there for me always, and it killed you, i know it did even though you never said a word about it then. You just stood by and tried to pick up the pieces with me. We continued where we left off and i came home for the holidays. It seemed like everything was going good, but my heart still belonged to someone else and as much as i wanted to give it to you, i just couldn't. I was so broken and it just wasn't fair to you. I held onto you because i didn't want to lose you. I had feelings for you, i just wasn't ready to give you all of me, and you were ready to give me all of you. You showed up at my apartment at school, three hours away, on Valentines Day like some perfect movie boy because after all, this stuff only happens in movies, right? Your type of guy isn't real, and certainly wasn't what i was used to. And in that moment, i knew i couldn't hurt you anymore. I had to let you go, for your own happiness.

I missed you. In between the months that we didn't talk, i met other guys, and even though they may have filled the empty void in my bed for the night, they didn't fill what i knew was missing. No one else was like you. No one made me laugh like you did, no one could get as close to me as you did, no one had a smile as pretty as yours, or a heart as big as yours. Nothing came close. I missed you- so, so much. I'd see other girls write on your wall on facebook and i'd wonder if you still cared about me or if you were moving on- if you had found someone else. I knew that letting you go was the right thing to do, but it hurt so bad. I knew keeping you around until i was ready would have been so unfair, but i wanted you, one day. So the summer i came home from school, i started talking to you again, like nothing happened hoping that something would. We hung out again and you let me back into your life. I texted you one night and brought up how i thought i still had feelings for you and you dismissed it, saying you thought we'd be better off just staying friends. That hurt so bad and it scared me, but still, i hurt you, so i had to respect that. We kept it simple in between and did our own thing, until we hung out that night. Twenty-one years old and we both sat on a bench in a playground, just talking about everything. And that's when you gave in and we both agreed to be together but not really together, and just see how things went. I finally felt like i had you back, even if it was for a little.

I loved you. It was different this time around. We spent every single day together and i never got sick of you, i only wanted more. We went out, we took little roadtrips, we held hands, we stayed in, we fought, we kissed, we forgave, we stayed up late, we talked, we cried, we laughed, we yelled, we met new people, and everything in between. And in that time, i fell in love with you. I fell so crazy, ridiculously in love with you. That's when i knew, i couldn't let you go again. I had to keep you.

I have you. Not always, not as much as i want to, but you're mine. I'm three hours away from you at school, and you're three hours away from me back home, and the distance keeps us apart but there's not a second during the day that slips by without you being on my mind. And even now, as i sit on my bed, in a t shirt that still smells like you from our hug goodbye this morning, typing this story, when i should be doing my homework- i'm thinking of you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You showed me something new and something beautiful. I never thought i would ever feel this way about someone again, i figured i'd just always settle. But you proved everything i've ever thought, wrong. I miss you so much when you aren't with me, but i live for the weekends that i know i'll get to see you. I hate seeing other couples on campus, holding hands and doing everything that they probably take for granted together, but i'd rather go crazy over distance with you than have it easy with anyone else. I hate myself for our past and what i put you through, but i don't think i'd love you as much if we didn't go through what we did. You really are my best friend, above all, and i fall more in love with you every time i pick up the phone and you're on the other end, or when you pop up in my little skype box, and most of all when you get out of your car and i stop missing you because you're finally right in front of me. I'm not going anywhere and i'll never let you go again. Distance is hard, but we've been through worse. I hope this is it, because i honestly can't ever see myself finding someone better for me. You are mine.

- K.

real

ffffound

don’t let go of me now

weheartit

Love is something I’ve been cautious of. You know this, because you were there when he broke my heart. It had been coming for a while, but that night my world shattered. You saved me. I lost myself in you quickly, you were everything I needed. You never pressured me, and you kissed me in ways he hadn’t in months. You knew where I was coming from, because you had done it to her.

Love is not something I was looking for. I just needed an escape, but falling asleep in your arms night after night and your perfect smile caught me off-guard. We were never too serious, but we were each others. We needed each other to mend. And so we did.

It has been almost a year and a half since I could spend my every day with you. You left, and I went to discover the world. Somehow, we never stopped being each other’s. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.

Now, we hang in limbo. The way I need you never seems to fade, but yours comes and goes like the wind. You tell me you love me, and then you fight with your heart and try to keep yourself away. Of course it isn’t easy, but we’ve always made it work. We’re both hanging on for the time in our lives where we end up in the same place. We both know it’s going to be worth it.

So whatever you do, just don’t let go of me now.

your last

unknown

it has always been long distance

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I am thinking of going back home. Back home across the sea to where I’ve lived for the past eighteen years. Sweden.

I’m in London right now. I got into a university in London and I had dreamt about going for almost six months. Harry Potter. Brick Lane. Finding a cute boy with a cute accent and falling in love with him.

Only I fell in love back home. Two months before I left, I met a boy and I fell in love with him. You know how they say that when you know, you know? It feels like I know. I know it’s silly to say because I’m so young, but I want to marry him and grow old with him with all of my heart. He wants it too, he has told me on bended knee that he wants to spend his life with me.

It has always been long distance. 200 miles, a bit more. Four hours by train every other weekend. But I could handle that. 12 days between each time. It was hard and awful, but I knew that we could do it.

But this is like tearing a little bit of me apart every second. Another country, no possibility to see each other more than maybe once a month. He can’t afford it and I can just scrape by.
He’s moving here with me next year. It was decided before we had even dated a month. We’ll be in London together and finish school and then who knows.

I miss him so much it hurts me. I want to go back home, interrupt my studies, return next year with him and do it right. Take a course or two at university back home for the spring semester and plan it out properly so we can see each other more often.

I want to choose love because he’s my world. Because he’s the best person I’ve ever met.
I know he’s worth it. If ever there was a person who was, he would be it.

I’ve applied to this school, gone through all the mess, been through all the motions to do this and I’ve spent a lot of money to be here. But it just doesn’t feel worth it anymore, and I don’t know what to do.

- kajsa

just like heaven

poor little rich chick

prisoner of the moment

camourets

“This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know upfront, this is not a love story.” - 500 Days of Summer

It’s true. My story is not a love story. But this represents what I yearn more than ever to be, “a prisoner of the moment.”

I met boy less than two months ago. And it only took me one to fall in love with him. He was handsome, adventurous, intelligent, and could throw sarcastic remarks back as quickly as I could dish them. I wanted to spend all of my time with him. Just thinking about him made my face burst into a smile. He was exciting, and I couldn’t get enough.

But after only three weeks, it ended. He was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and I would forever not be her. It burned at first. I cried. A lot. I thought about all the things we had done together and all the future plans that would never be.

But as quickly as I had fallen for him, I had bounced back. Three weeks of love meant our relationship was only a glitch in time. But it fit perfectly. I wish to be someone that goes whole-heartedly for what I want, disregarding the consequences. And in this situation, this is exactly what I had done. I had many warnings from friends, telling me I was setting myself up to get hurt. Which I did. But, without that risk, I never would have been able to feel that fire. Three weeks of pure happiness was worth the sadness.

Being a “prisoner of the moment” means that I lead with my wants, and not my rationalities. I go based off instinct, not thinking too far into the future. With boy, I dove in completely and tried to suppress all other thought, the scream telling me to protect myself and back out. I was hurt in the end, but life is too short to care. I can only hope I find this passion again, and that it doesn’t burn out quite so quickly.

-untilikickthebucket